Saying No Unequivocally Means No
The information contained in this article may be triggering for Survivors of Sexual Trauma.
Please know: Healing Is Possible – Reach Out.
Sexual assault affects 1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men. These numbers are surprising but what is most alarming for me is that sexual assault is an under-reported crime. With the “MeToo" movement, we have seen more survivors step forward with a strong fortitude, willingness, and resilience to share their stories. Still, others quietly stay in the background. What I’m saying is that the numbers are much higher. In 2017 only 40% of rapes were reported to police, and in 2018 the number dropped to 25% (National Sexual Violence Resource
Center).
The terms rape and sexual assault often bring up graphic images of a violent surprise attack between a victim and an unknown assailant. However, in reality, when you look at the statistics the picture is quite different. Research shows that "51% of female victims of rape reported being raped by an intimate partner and 40.8% by an acquaintance," while "52.4% of male victims report being raped by an acquaintance and 15.1% by a stranger."
Statistics show an overwhelming number of sexual assaults occur between people who know each other. Based on this data, we must learn to be aware of what sexual assault is and the definition of consent.
The Definition of Sexual Assault
Sexual assault is a legal term that encompasses any non-consensual sexual contact or behavior toward a victim for the sexual gratification of the perpetrator. Sexual assault includes attempted rape, rape (penetration), sexualized touching, and "forcing a victim to perform sexual acts" (Rape, Abuse & Incest Network).
Definition of Force
"Force doesn't always refer to physical pressure. Perpetrators may use emotional coercion, psychological force, or manipulation to coerce or intimidate a victim into non-consensual sex. Some perpetrators will use threats to force a victim to comply, obey, or go along, such as threatening to hurt the victim or their family or other intimidation tactics."
Consent Equals Communication
Consent is an agreement to engage in and establishes the boundaries of sexual activity. It should be clearly communicated and never assumed. It can be revoked or withdrawn at any time. In other words, there is no universal consent – "consent is an ongoing process".
Unfortunately, movies, romance novels, pornography, skewed thinking, and our culture have muddied the water quite a bit regarding consent. Here's a fresh perspective – no means no. What I’m saying is that it doesn't mean maybe or ask again. And when no is used it is not "playing hard to get." In other words, No does not mean Yes in camouflage. When the victim is underage and can’t give consent, or there is a power differential no means no. As a parent, we need to teach our children how to say no and then support them when they use this new skill they have learned. When they become courageous enough to say no, they don’t want a hug from a relative or family friend. Teach them that it’s okay to give a high five, or a fist bump instead while respecting their boundaries.
Biological responses do not indicate desire or consent. While women can and do respond biologically during a sexual assault, more specifically this fact is most often held against men. Attitudes like, "she couldn't have raped you if you didn't want it," are common and wrong. Desire is a product of our minds; however, our bodies were designed to respond to physical stimuli whether consent is present or not. Physiological responses are involuntary, meaning the survivor has no control over them. Thus, when an individual has biological responses, this is not consent.
Several Obstacles to Consent
You will find listed below the times when consent is not morally, ethically, or legally possible:
When a person is under the age of consent, i.e., a minor.
When the people are in different developmental stages, e.g., pedophilia, statutory rape
When a person has significant developmental delays
When there is a power differential, i.e., caregiver & developmentally disabled or elderly person, boss & employee, or if one person has access to resources in which the other person has an assigned interest
When a person is unconscious, i.e., asleep, intoxicated, or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol
When pressure, threats, intimidation, or coercion are present
Healing is available- It’s a journey that takes time
If you are a victim of sexual assault healing is possible and resources are available. It takes time to heal. Be willing to give yourself grace. It’s easy to see someone that has a cast on due to a fractured bone and conclude that it’s going to take time to heal. Many times, you can’t see with the naked eye the damage that someone incurs when they suffer physical and emotional abuse, because the scars are internal. In addition, the victim is reluctant, and experiences a wide variety of emotions like anger, self-hatred, shame, or is embarrassed to talk about their experience, because some don’t believe their stories.
Moving from a victim to a survivor will require time, determination, will, and a great deal of support from family, friends, a trusted ministry leader, a support group, and professionals. If you or someone you love has suffered sexual trauma, I want to encourage you to seek out multiple resources to help you in your journey. You can begin with the organizations listed in this article. If you are a spouse of someone who has experienced this type of trauma, it is essential and critical for you to become educated. You will need to have support and learn how to support your spouse in ways that speak to their heart. If you have experienced sexual trauma, now is the time to take back your personal power, learn to advocate for yourself, and by any means possible seek healing. You are amazing and you have worth and value.